Just take some time to live!

Healing does not happen overnight, too. It will take some time, or maybe longer than you hope it should be. But what really matters is that each day you try

Just take some time to live!

You were diagnosed with major depression. And the thing is, you weren't even surprised when the doctor said that. You were given the film-coated medicines, you remembered you were told that it should help you be able to sleep at night.

 

When you tell this to those who are closest to you, it came as a surprise. 

How? 

How did it happen when you're always feeling chill and happy with life and joking. 

Why? 

Why are you having this feeling when you look like you have everything you want right now. 

 

But the thing is, you did not just wake up one day and magically felt it. You wake up, each day, from the night before breakdown just like all other nights. Staring at the ceiling in the morning for quite some time before getting up because of the feeling that if you don't, you'll be in tears again. It was never easy to explain. Like your brain is this computer with hundreds of open tabs all at once and double hundreds of pop-up messages firing as fast as they can. And you get anxious most of the time.

 

You get anxious about going to work thinking something is going to get so fucked up. You get anxious thinking of school. You get anxious when you're with people because you may fuck something up. You're in the middle of enjoying a drink with your friends when you suddenly stopped halfway through a laugh and put down the glass you're supposed to finish. You get anxious eating, it stresses the shit out of you that you might have been eating a lot and fast or not that much and eating too slow and it's hard to keep the food down. You're walking down the highway when your heart, with no apparent reason to be nervous, is beating frantically like it's going to pop out of your rib cages which makes it hard to catch your breath. You find it hard to sleep, thinking about tomorrow, what if you get it all fucked up?

 

And you do things to calm yourself, to calm your nerves, like drinking or smoking. You spend your Saturday nights drinking whatever helps you to ease the pain and forget for a little while the endless things that hurt your insides, not minding that you'd wake up with a hangover and you'd do it repeatedly in the coming weekend. You spend your sleepless nights inhaling that cigarette, feeling the smoke inside your chest, wishing that this would erase everything you felt wrong.

 

Now you're on your meds which should be helping you to relax and you keep on dozing off, and that's when other things start getting shitty too. People suddenly get angry when you said you wanted some time off, away from everything. You need people to understand that you get tired too and just needed some rest and sometimes you can't give them the reasons they wanted to hear and you don't have the energy anymore to deal with it.

 

And the healing, it does not happen overnight, too. It will take some time, or maybe longer than you hope it should be. But what really matters is that each day you try. 

You try to wipe those tears no matter how many times they keep coming back. 

You try to heal each scar little by little, having the patience to your own self and having the understanding that healing takes time. 

You try to mend things that need to be fixed, especially those which are important to you. 

You try to live each day not forgetting to let go of the tension in your body and just take a deep, long breath every once in a while. 

You try to open up the universe you created for yourself to anyone who wants to be a part of it and for the first time in a very long while, you held back on to the hands that were trying to hold yours. 

You try, whatever you needed to try just to heal and you believe in it.

 

It's going to be a long, tough way but you just have to keep going. It doesn't have to be big steps all the time but just smaller ones where you can be yourself and at your own pace. Maybe, stop for a little while to enjoy a nice cup of floating ice cream you used to love or have that slice of chocolate cake you wanted to taste again. Read one by one all the unread books piled up on the floor you promised to read if you have the time.

Just small, free steps without pressure.

Take time for yourself. Take time to breathe, To live.

Soon you'll get better

 

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